Teen Sex, the latest threat to Ham Radio
From
Rug Rat@1:135/250 to
All on Sun Dec 7 23:06:23 2025
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
ARRL DECLARES SEX A CATEGORY ONE QRM TO AMATEUR RADIOS FUTURE
NEWINGTON, CT In an emergency bulletin that has left the amateur radio world simultaneously baffled and reaching for their fan-cooled finals, the American Radio Relay League (ARRL) has issued a stark warning to the nation: the act of sexual intercourse is the single greatest threat to the hobbys survival.
The statement, titled Preserving Bandwidth: A Call to Chastity for Continuity, argues that the hormonal distractions of young adulthood are directly responsible for a catastrophic drop in new license applications. For decades, a young mans natural progression was from crystal radio to Novice ticket, to finding a rare DX entity on 20 meters, said Hiram P. Wattage, ARRL Vice President of Propriety. Now, we see them pursuing other entities. Theyre engaging in off-band activities that provide no utility to emergency communication networks whatsoever.
The ARRLs proposed solution is a historic, multi-pronged alliance with institutions they have traditionally viewed with suspicion. We must look to our shared values, the bulletin continues. We call upon the Church to renew its emphasis on pre-marital chastity, not merely for spiritual reasons, but for the health of the 70cm band. We urge local governments to sponsor Its Okay to Be a Virgin (VE) programs in high schools, redirecting adolescent energy toward soldering and log-keeping.
Reaction from the amateur community has been mixed. Ive been a contester for 40 years, said longtime operator Lightning Larry from his shack in Dayton. My YL [wife] has always been understanding, mostly because Im down here and shes upstairs. This seems like overreach. Besides, the birth of my son gave me a reason to build a new Elmer station.
Social scientists are perplexed. Dr. Anya Hertz of the Institute for Modern Living stated, Theyve incorrectly correlated two data points. The decline in ham radio is due to smartphones, video games, and the internet offering instant gratification. Sex, frankly, has been around longer than Morse code. Blaming it is like blaming solar flares for your failing marriage.
Undeterred, the ARRL is rolling out a new public service campaign. Posters featuring a forlorn-looking young man staring at a disconnected mic, with a shadowy female figure in the doorway, will be distributed to hamfests nationwide. The tagline reads: DONT LET THE RAG CHEW BECOME A PILLOW TALK. STAY ON FREQUENCY.
A proposed new license endorsement, the Celibacy Plus or C+, which would grant extra privileges on digital modes, is currently under review by the FCC, who have so far only responded with a lengthy string of question marks in official correspondence.
The League is also revising its licensing manuals. The 2025 edition will reportedly replace the standard photo of a smiling multi-op station with a stark, black-and-white image of a monk copying CW in a spartan cell. A new chapter, Managing Biological Interference, will cover cold showers, the antenna-building benefits of excess energy, and the importance of keeping your vertical radiator properly grounded in a non-metaphorical sense.
At press time, Wattage was reportedly drafting a follow-up memo exploring the debilitating effects of romantic hand-holding on fine motor skills required for surface-mount soldering.
Rug Rat (Brent Hendricks)
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